Honey Badger-Bees

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“I don’t get it,” said your dad when I told him about my new blog name.

“What do you mean you don’t get it?!”

I’ve been mulling this name in my mind for weeks now, and I thought I had finally come up with the perfect name for my re-invigorated blog to let you two (my daughters) know more about me. And so I can remember more about you. Revisionist history can really bite you in the butt if you let it. (Just ask your nana – my brother and I never had a problem sleeping, were never fussy, and it was completely easy raising two small children while she was a stay at home mom. Right, mom. Right).

“I get the honey badger part. I have no idea what you’re talking about with the bee.”

Ellen and Lucy, your parents laugh at inappropriate things. We won’t let you know this for many years to come (unless you become very interested in your mother’s rambling blog at an appallingly young age). But we laugh at things we shouldn’t. Like when your favorite song is “Uptown Funk” and you keep asking for “F*** up!”. We laugh. It’s funny.

Herein lies the honey badger portion of the blog. Ellen, when you were very little there was a video that came out “Honey Badger Don’t Care“. It’s hysterical. Inappropriate. Hysterical. And honestly, you were a very laid back kid, and we started to say “honey badger don’t care” whenever you shocked everyone with your laid-back-ness. It stuck. And then one day you did care. You still do care. Amazingly enough I think the name still fits. You’re a fighter. You know what you want. You let people know what you want. You also might be a genius toddler manipulater. TBD. So world, watch out because honey badger don’t care.

“How can you not know that we call Lucy Honey Bee?”

“Because we never have.”

“Sure we do. Every day. It’s cute. It fits. We have a honey badger – now we need a honey bee. They work together. Wild Kratts told me all about it. Plus, she’s super sweet. Like honey. Get it?!”

“Never once have I heard you call her that.”

“Well, I do. And now it’s the name of the blog that I thought about so long and hard. I mean, I can’t keep calling it “Thoughts for Ellen” because then Lucy will get jealous.”

“You mean the blog that you always talk about and never write in.”

“Exactly. I’ve got ideas. I want my daughters to know who I am and what I think about. Maybe it will be so big that I can just blog and stop working. I’ve got to practice writing if I’m ever going to make it big in the freelance world.”

“Big in the freelance world?” (insert appropriate amount of sarcasm here – your dad is VERY sarcastic).

“You betcha!” (I’m not really a “you betcha” kind of girl, but it seems to fit given that I’m loosely translating our conversation). “But now I’m completely rethinking the name given that you didn’t get it. But I already paid for it…Oh well! It’ll make a great first post to re-start my blogging enterprise.”

“You’re totally going to write about this, aren’t you?” I’m going to look like an idiot because I didn’t know our kid’s nickname.”

To be fair, dad’s been working A LOT, and I’m not sure that I ever really told him about the honey bee part in person. But I did have the conversation about the nickname a lot in my head. That happens when you stay at home all day with young kids.

And with that – I’m relaunching my writing with “Living with Honey Badger-Bees”!

Robin Hood and Benjamin Button

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Both are fantastic cultural/literary references and have amazingly applied to our lives this week.

So the other day you (Ellen) decided to go through all of the diaper bags in daycare and take out as many snacks as you could find. You then proceeded to get all of the other children in daycare to sit in a circle while you sat in the middle and passed out snacks to everyone like a modern day toddler Robin Hood – stealing from the parents to give to the kids. Great.

This week has also begun the realization that there is a Benjamin Button-like effect in my life, but instead of me getting younger everyday, I believe that I get less and less responsible every day. Take, for instance, the fact that I am 30 years old and until Monday, could not access my bank accounts online nor did I know how my money was in each of my paychecks. I used to manage all of my money and fairly well. Then your father came into my life and I just trusted him to take care of everything. We routinely make fun of the fact that he could be syphoning off funds to the Bahamas, and I would never know.

Finances is not the only place that I have regressed in responsibility. I used to make all of the family meals. Then we moved to Grand Rapids, and your father began to take over all of the cooking. I love to cook, but seriously, who is going to argue with less work that results in fantastic food?

While analyzing this I can’t figure out if this is:

  1. bad – should I be more responsible or is it a blessing to take and not question?
  2. because of marriage – are you able to share more responsibilities and therefore not have to be more responsible as a whole?
  3. because of your dad – he probably enables me. I also appreciate that.
  4. because I was so responsible as a student that I’ve had enough of it and decided to revolt. This might be one of the more likely possibilities. I was too adult-like as a kid. Now I’m more kid-like as an adult. I kinda like it. But as I’m writing this I realize that by the time you can read this it may not seem like I’m kid-like at all and you probably won’t appreciate that thought. Welp. Whatcha gonna do?

The end.

Type A

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This is not about blood. Well, maybe it is.

Recently I lost out on an opportunity because I was considered too “type A”. Number one, I was really disappointed about loosing out on the opportunity. Number two, I was frustrated to know that I was perfect for the opportunity except for my personality. A personality that typically means that I am timely, well prepared, focused, and effective. It also means that there is the possibility that I might be hard to get along with because I have strong opinions on how to get things done. It is also a term that I do not think gets applied to too many men – not because they don’t display these characteristics, but because instead we would call them leaders and go-getters.

At first I was sad. Really sad. Now I’m just mad. While I do not know for sure, it is highly doubtful that a man would ever be turned down for an opportunity because he is too “type A”. In fact, it is probably a lauded trait. (Side note – there are probably other opportunities out there that would also praise this quality in women, but there would probably be a heated discussion about her suitability.) Why is it that we are okay with men being focused and opinionated but we are not okay with those same qualities in women?

I really started to think about this because in the past few months, there has been a movement to get rid of “the other B-word”. In case you didn’t know, that is “bossy”. Women are called bossy and men are called leaders. The way we are treated and the opportunities out there are different for men and women because of the connotations between those two words (even though the definitions are the same). You would think in 2014 that would be different, but sadly it is not.

Ellen, the reason I say this is because already at not even two years old, you have been described as bossy. You do already have definite ideas of what you want and what you think people should do. You command a room that you are familiar with. People, albeit toddlers, listen to you. I love this trait about you. You may not always love this trait. You may want to eventually fade into the background when you find that people don’t always react well to a woman that has opinions. You will try to not have opinions. You will try to go with the flow, even when you know there is a better way of doing something. And it will feel wrong. You will be doing yourself a disservice.

Ellen, you need to not give in to peer pressure and try and fit into the mold of what people are okay with women being. This is going to be hard. You will probably break at some point in time. But the thing is, that you will not be working on honing the God-given skills that you have. Don’t do that to yourself. Flourish. Lead. Serve. Because really all of this drive is not about being bossy and leading people. It is much more about service and helping others achieve. You won’t get that right away, but eventually you will. Focus on why you want to accomplish something and then pave the way to serve the people you are helping. It will be hard. People will call you bossy. People might even call you worse. But you will be amazing. You have great things in store for you baby girl. I can tell already. I know because both your father and I have passed the best of us to you, and there is no escaping the Type A that flows through our veins.

An Addition: Here’s a really great article that articulates a lot of things I have experienced as well.

Confessions

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  1. I am clearly not any good at consistently writing this blog – especially since it’s been about a year…uh…hmmm…
  2. That does not mean that I don’t think about what I want you to know about life and myself. I’ve actually written out multiple posts word for word in my head – even revising – about events that have happened in the world and what I thought about it. Yep. Word for word. Once I got around to writing them out, they just didn’t seem as important anymore. 
  3. If I have a thought I need to write it right away otherwise I will think it to death, and revise the thought, and then not write it, and then you will not know about anything I think. 
  4. I’m scared to not give thought to what I’ve thought about because I know that this type of forum it worldwide – and that’s important – but I don’t want to post thoughtless ideas out there.
  5. The world is super critical. I don’t like to be criticized. Challenged. Yes. Constructively criticized. Sure. Plain old mean criticism. Ugh. That’s rough. And tough.
  6. There are two things that I fear most in the world. One – something horrible will happen to you. I get teary just thinking about it. Two – something horrible will happen to me when you are young, and I won’t get the chance to show you who I am and share some of my wisdom. I share wisdom with my students all the time. For a lot of them that is the favorite part of the class. I want to give you as much if not more than I give them. I love them. You are my world. My world deserves absolutely everything I have to give – flaws and all. So this is my best attempt at springing on my thoughts without them being thoughtless but leaving room for improvement. Most ideas are revised throughout a lifetime. I will not be the exception.  

Others’ Love

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I’m literally just copy and pasting what I had written when Ellen was first born. Definitely getting emotional thinking about that time all over again. People really loved us. Here are some comments to show that.

  • November 7, 2012 10:26am
     Hooray for Ellen!  Fantastic news!  Ellen, I will always cherish the memory of being the first visitor to hold your precious little self.  I can still feel the blessing in my heart.  Enjoy your new room and be good for your mom and dad.  They are awesome people.  God bless you sweet heart.
    much love,Pastor Sue

    Sue Petro

  • November 7, 2012 8:05am
    There’s no place like home! 😀 Excited for you!!! Lots of love…

    Donna Officer

  • November 5, 2012 5:13pm
    Hi Mrs. Azzi and family! I look forward to reading your journals, a lot. Im glad to hear little Ellen is gaining weight! I will continue to keep you all in my thoughts and prayers, especially that Ellen will one day join you and Mike, real soon. 🙂

    Tami Rogers

    Sent from CaringBridge Android app

  • November 4, 2012 7:41am
    I love reading these journals! Please, please, please let me know what I can do to help you!

    Butters C

  • November 4, 2012 7:07am
    The sleeping picture with Ellen’s hand behind her head is adorable! This view also let’s Grandpa and I see her left ear which looks like your elf ear Syd. We love reading your blog. Sometimes it’s hard because as your parents we want to take away all of your pain and leave only the joy with the birth of your precious daughter. Time might feel as though it is standing still but even this journey with NICU will soon be a distant memory. We love all of you very much.

    Joanie Braker

    Sent from CaringBridge Mobile

  • November 3, 2012 12:57pm
    Hi Syd, Mike and Ellen – We love your updates and wish you the best!  I know you will all be at home together soon!

    Love Great-Aunt Nancy

    Nancy Braker

  • November 2, 2012 2:44pm
    Love reading your posts. I literally laugh out loud every other sentence because i can picture your look of annoyance at the “fat baby”. You should seriously consider turning this into a blog/book. All our prayers and love!!!

    Whittney Zumdahl

    Sent from CaringBridge Android app

  • November 1, 2012 6:49am
    Morning, Syd! I know all too well the need for some sort of control when placed in uncontrollable situations.  So I say, take it where you can and don’t apologize for your emotional state when your control is altered or plans are changed.  And always remember Jeremiah 29:11.

    XOXO
    Whitt

    Whittney Zumdahl

  • October 31, 2012 11:51pm
    Syd, I love the two pictures of you and Ellen! I am so happy to know Ellen is getting fussy! Grandpa and I can’t wait to hold you again. Love to all three of you. Grandma Joanie 🙂

    Joanie Braker

  • October 31, 2012 9:16am
    Sydney, will keep you and baby Ellen in my thoughts and prayers. She is strong like her mama! Beautiful name as well. Chris Cox

    Chris Cox

    Sent from CaringBridge Mobile

  • October 30, 2012 9:36pm
    Hello Baby Ellen! We are so excited you are here!! We can’t wait to meet you!
    Lots of Love to you and Mom & Dad!!

    Donna Officer

  • October 30, 2012 2:00pm
    The Crabbs love you all, and we can’t wait to meet Ellen!

    Butters Crabb