Things I Don’t Want to Forget

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I haven’t written in awhile. There’s been a lot going on – like impromptu business trips to South Korea. More on that later. But mostly I have all of these sweet little stories that I want to remember and package into witty little presents for you to read later in your life. I’m cracking under the pressure. Sometimes my wit is flighty and I have no idea where to go to find it. And then I think I can do another list to get down all of the things that are so important to remember. Lists are very in – but then I’m so predictable, and I can’t be predictable (except your father and I are the most risk-adverse people in the world so we’re nothing my predictable). So maybe I should just give in to who I am – which is clearly someone who thinks too much about things. So now I’m saying screw it and just getting it down on paper, er screen, before I forget. Wit be damned.

Why I’m So Proud of You:

  1. Ellen, you started swimming lessons this summer. You were about a year younger than everybody else, but I figured a level one swimming lesson wasn’t going to push you too much so we went with it. You were so scared when you realized what was going on. You were hiding behind me and crying while I held Lucy trying to convince you that it was going to be fun. I wasn’t getting anywhere. I thought we were in for one VERY long session of swimming lessons. And then all of a sudden, you stood up, put your hands on your hips and your head in the air and said “No! I am NOT going to be shy!”, and off you went to sit with the other kids and started lessons. I’m so proud of that moment. Really. It makes me well up to think about it. At two and a half you decided to face your fears head on and try what the big kids were doing. I would have understood if you stayed on the side the whole time. I would have understand you being intimidated by the big kids. I knew eventually you would get used to it. But this wasn’t you getting used to the idea and realizing it would be fun. This was you making a statement that you are going to take the world by storm in spite of your fears. Well, maybe that’s a little strong, but I know I don’t have to worry about you when things get tough. I could not have been more proud.
  2. Swimming lessons provided another opportunity of pride. You were required to do this ridiculous exercise called “spider monkey” where they teach kids who can’t float or tough the bottom to completely disregard boundaries and go around the entire pool holding on to the side while your feet are on the wall. I think it’s a time filler. Well on this first day it was incredibly cold. All of the kids lips were blue. And shivering. And around the pool you went. Being the smallest of the group, it is natural that you would be slower than everyone else. And when I say slower, I mean s l o w e r. You still had a third of the pool to go around when everyone else was done. And all of those poor little kids were sitting there shivering with audible teeth clattering and you just took your time. It did not bother you that you were the last. By a marked margin. And do you know what you did when you got done? You jumped out of the pool, but your hands in the air and screamed “Mommy, I did it!”. Good grief you were proud of yourself. I was proud, too. You are too young to compare yourself to others. You just know when you have done something amazing for yourself. I know you probably won’t, but I hope you keep that attitude. The world will try to beat it out of you, but dear, dear girl. Please hold on.
  3. Lucy, you’re only three months old and you’re already trying to sit up on your own. You might already be in a sitting position on someone’s lap, but you are physically trying to sit up even more to be even more a part of the conversation. That’s right. Make people notice you. It’s hard when there is a loud and dramatic toddler around, but you’re doing it. Keep it up.

And You’re Adorable:

  1. You’re aunt and uncle got you this tent that is round, and pink, and looks like a princess tower. We finally put it up for you again. You, Nellie (the 75 pound lab), and I will sometimes hang out in there. That is where you said “This is the cave of my dreams! My dreams are now complete!”. Seriously. Where do you come up with this stuff?
  2. You went to my hometown’s homecoming parade because Papa was driving a truck in it. When you saw him you started to yell, so everyone could hear “There’s my Papa! There’s my Papa! You can do it!” I’m not sure what looked so difficult for Papa to do while driving the truck, but everyone needs a little encouragement and cheerleader along the way, right?
  3. When dad came home from Korea, he bought you a purse and a backpack as a souvenir. They are adorable. But you call the backpack your “pack pack” and wear it at all times. It’s so cute. You love that thing. You feel like you are something with that on. A good purchase or a special gift can do that for you. Remember that.

You love to talk:

  1. Papa drove home with us the other day. Five hours. You talked the whole time. You like to do this. People don’t believe me. Papa does now. And when there is a lull, you will say “Papa, I want to talk to you,” and make him start the conversation again. Who could resist that?
  2. You talk so much that your dad decided the other night if you are going to keep asking “why” he is going to get your toys that are scientific in nature (like a model airplane and helicopter parts) so that he can give you some useful knowledge instead of answering why lions don’t eat at the dinner table (because they are not domesticated and would never eat in a civilized manner – that you got) or why you shouldn’t touch the stove (because we don’t want you to get hurt – that you did not get).
  3. After asking close to one thousand questions, you will finally say “Oh, I get it!” and I think, “Really? Do you really?” I suppose it will take a few years for us to figure that out.

And there it is. Just a few things that have been rattling around in my brain that I don’t want to forget. I wish I could get all of the inflections and inaccuracies in your speech so you could really see how cute you are and so that I won’t forget, but we’ll just have to live with this for now.

The Honey Bee has Landed – and Other Thoughts About Motherhood

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You might have noticed that there was a bit of a lull in my writing. It turns out that while I thought it would be a great idea to start writing with a brand new school year, the beginning of school can be fairly arduous for teachers. One would think I would remember this given that it was my seventh year to start teaching, but apparently I’m a slow learner. You would also notice that I’m starting to write again about the same time – the beginning of a new school year. Well, I don’t have the slowest learning curve in the world – close, but not quite. Here’s why.

So like I said, about a year ago I started school again. It’s busy. Very tiring. It took me back a little bit with the writing. And then I got pregnant. Talk about taking a step back. With #1 I was only tired and agitated. With #2 I was tired, agitated, sick and had a toddler in tow. And then after twenty-four shots in the tuchus to prevent pre-term labor, ten weeks of non-stop contractions and semi-bed rest, and 4 hours of labor (that’s right, it was quick, ten weeks and four hours quick) there was another child. And then there were sleepless nights and toddler-filled days.

I’ve just started to figure out life again and am lucky enough to take some extended maternity leave so I’m not starting school in September but November. Therefore, I can now work on writing again. And with that, here are a few of the thoughts I’ve had during the past few months.

  1. No two pregnancies are the same, which sucks if you had an easy first pregnancy. Ultimately this means that you should never get comfortable with what you think you know about motherhood. You know nothing. You just survive.
  2. Shots are horrible. Shots in the rear are really horrible. Shots in the rear every week for twenty weeks is torture. This only proves that you will do anything to have a healthy, full-term baby; and it’s a great way to toughen yourself up for having a toddler and baby to look after all day long. I think it’s all part of a master plan.
  3. Semi-bed rest is awful. I can only assume that full bed rest is torture.
  4. Teenagers really can be caring human beings. They like to make sure you are following doctor’s orders. All. The. Time. While sweet in sentiment, there is nothing quite as horrifying as the idea of energetic 17 year old boys wheeling a seven month pregnant woman around the school in an office chair. Seriously. The had to be talked down. Sweet. But horrifying.
  5. You really do have more control over your bladder when pregnant than you think. If you ever think that you might have just had little loss of control, go to the hospital. Right away. It took me two pregnancies to learn from this. Please learn.
  6. Even you can survive without the epidural. Turns out there is a time table on drugs. Even if you run into the hospital screaming to everyone you pass that you want the epidural, there may not be time. This mostly is due to the fact that you still don’t understand what it’s like when your water breaks (remember #5), and you try to play it cool and let your husband finish a round of golf (he got to the eighth hole), and you decide to go to the doctor’s office instead of the hospital first (just so they don’t think you’re crazy and overreacting). If you want the drugs, overreact.
  7. God could have created babies to sleep through the night. Really. He could have. I think it’s another master plan. This one involves population control. It’s the only reason I can think He would purposefully inflict this sort of pain on parents.
  8. Speaking of creation, men have nipples, too. I mean, I know that they call it breastfeeding, but it would be great if someone else had some skin in the game. There would be a lot less mothers thinking about stabbing their husbands in the middle of the night.
  9. When a new baby comes home, the honey bee really has landed. There is nothing quite like the sting of getting used to a new person in the home – especially one as demanding as a baby. There’s also nothing quite as sweet. You know, once you get over the mind-numbing pain (ok – maybe a little dramatic). This will probably happen on that glorious night when you get three consecutive hours of sleep. The sting really makes you recalibrate what makes life sweet.

A Letter to my Daughters: A Portrait of a Real American

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Dear Daughters,

You live in an amazing country. Really. The best country in the world. Some people say that the country is going to pot, or that we need to “take our country back”, or that they want to move to Canada. But really, we live in the best country in the world. I think part of that is because of what a real American looks like.

A real American is the man who came from a tough neighborhood but with a little support became one of the best surgeons in the world.

A real American is the woman who is setting out on her own – apart from her husband – to prove her own worth as well as millions of other women around the world.

A real American is the business man in his suit who makes deals with other men in suits.

A real American is the farmer who wakes up every morning before the sun to feed his cattle and work his fields.

A real American is the tree hugger who desperately wants to save the whales and the trees and the ice caps.

A real American is the man who has done his time for his mistakes and is desperately trying to find his way again.

A real American is the immigrant who is looking for better opportunities for her sons and daughters.

A real American is the woman faithful to her beliefs.

A real American is the soldier who fights to keep you safe and free.

A real American is the teacher who instills knowledge in each of her pupils so they can build a better life.

These are just a few of the real Americans you will find every day. And I hope that you meet them, and talk to them, and find out what unique qualities they bring to our country to make them great. It doesn’t mean you will be best friends with them or agree with them just because they are real Americans, but it does mean that they bring something to the fabric of our country.

We are in an election cycle right now. A pretty major one. And with all election cycles people start to figure out who is “more American” than the others which ultimately means they are looking for who they think has more of a right to a voice in our country than others. But daughters of mine, every American has a right to his or her own voice. Every. Single. One. There is not one American voice, but many. The beauty of America is that the leaders (or at least good leaders) have to find the collective voice of America. It is not their voice, or the left’s voice, or the right’s voice that they must find, but the collective voice. It’s pretty darn hard, if not impossible. If a leader can do that, you should vote for her.

The problem that we are having now is that people think their voice has more merit than others. This was extremely apparent this past week when one of the leaders of this great nation publicly stated that, loosely put, you should only obey laws if they are right (here’s a transcript of the interview). The question is, right for whom?

In this particular instance, a real American woman is a government official and does not want to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples because it is, according to her, against her religion. Earlier this summer, the Supreme Court ruled that same-sex marriage is a constitutional right and ordered all county clerks to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples. This particular government leader is siding with her saying that the law is not right and therefore she should not have to obey it.

Unfortunately for this leader and for this woman, they are a bit misguided in their concept of what is right when it comes to our nations laws. I have no doubt that they are not misguided when it comes to how they want to live out their own faith, and they are entitled to it. In fact girls, even if I don’t agree with someone else’s beliefs or faith, I will fight for them to be able to have those beliefs. Why? Because that is America.

As your father says, let’s play this out to its logical conclusion.

As previously stated there are many voices in America. Let’s say one of those voices is Jewish and kosher and happens to oversee the FDA. Because he is kosher, he does not believe that pork is a suitable form of sustenance and therefore does not approve any pork products. He deeply believes this, and allowing people to eat an unclean food would not be pleasing to his God’s eye. However, I can name a few pork producers and many pork consumers who would be extremely upset about him infringing on their right to eat pork.

Or let’s go another route. Let’s say that a very devout Muslim man is on the city zoning commission. Daughters, you decide to team up and create your own business (the sky’s the limit – use your imagination). However,  this man denies your petition to zone the area for your business because you are female. He fundamentally believes that it is not appropriate to do business with women, especially without a male relative involved. Your dreams and business aspirations are crushed.

Is this right? From our perspective we can clearly say no, but that does not mean that these two people shouldn’t deeply hold to their convictions. (It also does not mean that all Jews and Muslims believe the same way these people do – they don’t. There are probably as many variations in these faiths as there is in Christianity. Please don’t limit these groups to just a single ideology. That’s harmful, too). It does mean, however, that we need to live in an America that allows for multiple voices to be heard and to be considered legitimate, while adhering to the constitutional rights of everyone. It’s a delicate balance.

No one is making Kim Davis (the aforementioned county clerk) take a same-sex couple to her church and force her pastor to perform a religious ceremony joining the two in holy matrimony. In fact if someone did force her to do that, we should all fight against that infringement on her and that particular church’s liberty. But as someone who is in a position that is for the people, all the people – not just the ones that believe like her – she needs to follow the law and not just the laws she thinks are “right”. It’s a slippery slope if we allow that. And if she cannot uphold her oath that she made to all of the people that elected her, then she should step down.

(As an aside, girls, you will see people say horrible things about people they do and do not know on social media. Never, ever, will I be okay with the intentionally mean things they are saying and never, ever will I be okay with you participating in similar talk. Bitter, mean-spirited comments are never the way to engage in a conversation where people think differently. You have to be above that. Listen to what others have to say. Comment respectfully. Even if you disagree. You catch more bees with honey than you do with vinegar. And for the record, you absolutely do have freedom of speech, but that does not mean you are free from the consequences of your speech.)

The American Voice is a complex and complicated web. Our leaders, and daughters you too, need to be grounded in their/your own voice. You need to know what you believe and stand firm for it. You need to know what matters to the other American voices around you.  You need to allow those other voices to have merit and be heard. It can be dangerous if one voice is stronger than the others as many times in our history has shown (Salem witch trials and Joseph McCarthy to name two).

Girls, some will counter this argument saying that this country was founded with a Christian voice. That we are a Christian nation and need get back to the ideals of that faith. They will point to our pledge, money, and our founding fathers to back their position.

What I will tell those people is this. First, which Christian voice? Which is the right one? There are many, and without having to look back at the fight in England between Catholic and Protestant and the upheavals that caused, growing up in a Christian house you know that there will always be conflicting views within the Christian church as to what is considered truth. Just like there is not a unified Jewish or Muslim or Atheist voice, there is not a unified Christian voice. Which one will you pick?

As for the pledge, money, and Constitution, there are other Arguments. The pledge didn’t include “under God” until 1954 when it was added as a response to Communism. Our monies did not originally have the phrase “In God We Trust” on them until 1864 and not all at once. It was a gradual change, and at least when Eisenhower signed the bill to add the saying in 1957, it seems like even he had reservations about it. As for the founding fathers, it would take a long time to go into what people believe about each of their faiths, but one thing is clear: They wanted a separation of church and state. Fairly recent history for the founding fathers showed that nothing good happened when you mixed religion and government (for either side) and they wanted them to be separate and not influence each other.

Daughters of mine, you need to follow the law, and if you don’t, you need to be willing to accept the consequences. You can and should fight for what is right. You can and should have strong belief systems. You can and should live by a set of morals that might not agree with others. But you need to remember that in this country “what is right” is and can be different for everyone. That is part of what makes us great. That is why we have laws – so there is a collective “right” for US citizens. You need to find a way to live in this country that embraces the differences in all of the voices without losing your own individual voice. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. That, I will fight for. That, I hope you will fight for. It’s what real Americans fight for.

Love always,

Just one of millions of real Americans

7 Reasons I am a Recovering Footballphobic

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Girls, your father has broken me.

In your life, you will know that on many, many Sundays of the year we have a thing. A thing like most other people in the United States. We watch football.

I will admit. I used to hate football. I hated the game. I hated watching it. It made very little sense to me.  I would complain about my dad and brother hogging the tv all Sunday long. A lot of times I got my way and switched it to a musical on TCM or AMC.  It took me years to fully realize just how long you could watch football on any given Sunday. That’s how little I knew about it. I didn’t even know the Sunday tv schedule. I was a master avoider.

And then I met your father. And then I married your father. And since I married your father, I had to live with your father. And do you know what your dad loves to do? Watch sports. (As it turns our your uncle and papa do too, but your nana and I were forces to be reckoned with on a Sunday afternoon with a remote.)

So in an effort to be a good wife, I “allowed” football on Sunday. And do you know what football on Sunday turned into? College football on Saturday. And do you know what college football on Saturday turned into? Monday night football. And then someone came up with the genius idea of football on Thursday nights, too. And do you know what all of this football eventually leads to? A broken mother.

Girls, I am your mother, and I am a recovering footballphobic. I will even willingly turn on football without your father in the room. Here are the top seven reasons why I now embrace the football.

  1. Football means fall. I love fall. I love the crisp cool weather. The turning of leaves. The sense of something new like the beginning of the new school year. I love buying new school supplies (who doesn’t love a brand new notebook and pen collection? and all those ways to organize – it’s awesome! I’m also a recovering teacher, can you tell?).
  2. Football means fall part 2. Do you know what else is great about fall? The food. I can finally start making soups and stews again. Hot totties and cinnamon sticks galore. And after months of thinking about swimming suits, I can now think of sweaters and jeans and scarves. Comfort food, here I come! So if football = fall, fall must = football. And if I love fall, therefore I love football. (It’s some sort of property – ask your dad.)
  3. Football means family. It’s what we do now. Football happens on Sunday and Sunday is the universally known day for family (although life has been encroaching on it for years now – we have to fight it). It’s the day that I have always reserved for rest and time for family, and I don’t see that changing for the foreseeable future.  Football happening on Sunday also will not change in the foreseeable future. Your father has compromised on a lot of things in his life. And while I’ve compromised a lot, too, I knew that there was no breaking this football habit of his. Might as well get in the spirit. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.
  4. Football commentary is awesome. I don’t mean the actual commentators who do this for a living. I have little to no use for them. All they do is give out actual facts and figures. I mean my own personal commentary. “Seriously, down the middle never works. They get like .5 yards. What’s the point?” “Seriously, why are all of these manly men ok with the term ‘down the middle’?” “How was no one concerned about concussions in a sport that expects you to beat the crap out of each other until 2015?” “Clearly he didn’t want it enough. If you touch it, you should catch it. That’s just being lazy.” I could probably keep going, but everyone’s sake I’ll leave it at that in print. You’ll get to experience all of my witty commentary real time, which is even better! I’m guessing it’s going to be one of the things that will embarrass you the most when you bring friends over because the commentary doesn’t stop at football. Oh no. Lots more sports. Lots more commentary.
  5. Football means impressing people. Now I’m not the person who really knows anything about sports in general (I mean I played them as a kid and get the general concept, but it’s not my first choice of entertainment). But watch enough football and things just start to seep in when you’re not paying attention. It’s like osmosis. And when my students are least expecting it, or at a party with football loving adults (do we go to those?) I can bring out a football analogy or anecdote and they’re pretty impressed. At least I think they are. At least they should be. Shouldn’t they? Don’t they know I’m a recovering footballphobic?!
  6. Football means nostalgia. Now your dad is not big on the nostalgia, which means I’m totally re-appropriating this sport for my own good (we’ll have lots more discussions about re-appropriating in the future). Football means college. And tailgating. And thoughts of reliving our time together at school. And thoughts of how your dad really started to become a great griller which ultimately led to his hobby of cooking which ultimately led to my extra poundage. But back to college – it reminds me of our first years together, and I get all schmaltzy thinking of young love and the beginning of life together and our first big party together with my family and our first apartment together and I could keep going. Sigh. I love football.
  7. Football means non-stop tv on a Sunday. Which means that while everyone else is actually focused on the game, I get to read my book without any interruptions. And that is the real beauty of the game.