When you look back in the news for the fall of 2015 (which I’m sure you will do religiously so that you can be up-to-date on all aspects of your historical life), you will see that there has been considerable controversy over dress codes and how they tend to skew to controlling young women’s attire more than young men’s. By now you know your mother well enough to know that if there is undue or unequal negative attention towards girls, she is going to have an opinion about it. Well, much like Hamlet, she is waffling on the correct approach here. Here’s a smattering of my thoughts:

• You are not your body; however, you do live in your body, and it is the reason you can do so many amazing things, and you need to respect it.
• You are not your clothes; however, you will be judged by them whether it’s right or wrong.
• Your most important features are your smarts and kindness, but I want you to feel beautiful, too.
• I want you to dress so that people notice your brain first, but I also want you to enjoy fashion and clothes and feel the power that a really great dress can give you.
• Rules are important and should be followed, unless they are inherently wrong and sexist (or any other -ist).
• It’s a parent’s job to teach certain lessons; however, shouldn’t a school pick up the slack when parents don’t teach lessons that are important for a student’s future success?
• I want you to be modest, but I sure as hell don’t want someone to tell you your outfit is more important than your education.

Clearly your mom is dwelling in Shakespearean indecision. I am wavering between the mother who wants her daughters to be treated fairly and the educator who realizes that some rules are necessary. However, I feel the need to come across strong on this issue. Anytime I try to write anything that resembles a moderate opinion that takes both sides into account, there is a pit in my stomach. So here I go.

Daughters, you are intelligent. You are strong. You are brave. You are kind. You are beautiful. And you will not be reduced to your body parts.

That last part is a lie, unfortunately. However, I will fight for you so that you are not reduced to your body parts.

When you make a girl leave a classroom because of what she is wearing, you are perpetuating the idea that there is something wrong with her body. That it is her fault that others cannot control what they do because of her looks. That she is the problem in the room and not the years of institutionalized misogyny. This leads to the idea that if she dresses a certain way, then she gets what she has coming. Like losing out on education or unwanted advances on her body. Let’s cut the crap. How people react to what girls wear has a whole lot more to do with those people and their issues and not the girl; it shows that we have a long ways to go to viewing women in the same light as we do men. We need to fight this.

Girls, you are going to have to fight for things in your life. And if you have to fight for things in your school, I hope you use what they teach you and make the most intelligent argument you can. The girls at Charleston County School of the Arts in North Charleston, South Carolina did just that with their #notAdistraction campaign. They used ideas from The Scarlet Letter to highlight the injustices in the dress code in their school. As a teacher, I well up with pride for how smart and sophisticated their protest is. How cool is it that they use what they learn in school to point out the injustices happening in that same space? As a mother, I can only hope that your learn to fight your own fights in a similar fashion: with strength, intelligence, and dignity.

Dress codes do not have to be sexist. They do not have to be disbanded, either. They can be written in a way that each rule addresses girls and boys equally. I think in this case, ironically, less is actually more.

And girls, just to be clear. I’m not advocating that you wear whatever you want to in school or in public. We will be having lots of discussions on the importance of audience, occasions, and appropriateness – not because there is anything to be ashamed of with your body – but because in this world you will be judged, and I want to give you every word of advice that I can to put you ahead. I want you to find your power in your mind and in your heart, and I want that to show clearly from first glance. It is my job as a parent to instill these beliefs inside of you. That, and when to not back down from a fight.